Monday, August 16, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 81; Star Light

Tonight I'm tired.  Like can barely hold my head up worn out.

It's a mixed blessing.   I'm exhausted, which almost feels great, but I'm also a bit anxious.   I'm not really sure why.

I think it's because I want to sleep well tonight, but lately I've learned that the more you want something, the less likely you are to actually get it.

Not to sound cynical, but I'm not as naive as I once was.   That's probably a good thing considering I've gotten myself into a few pickles in my life because I dared to believe the best in people and situations.

And yet, I don't want to have to totally give up being that way.  I sort of liked it. 

But life can be cruel and I've learned the hard way to not be so blindly trusting.   I seriously allowed myself to get hurt, trampled and almost destroyed because of what I felt was an innocent and complete belief in something that wasn't actually true.

Tonight my youngest and I took a walk, hand in hand, around the block.  Lately, I've not had very many still moments with my kids, so when I find myself alone with one of them, I try to savor it and potentially capitalize on the moment.

We chatted back and forth a bit and eventually our talk turned to wishes.

Once upon a time, I'd have knelt down and pointed into the velvet of the night sky.   I'd have encouraged him to pick the brightest star, squeeze his eyes shut and make a wish.   A warm fuzzy feeling would have enveloped me.

Not any more.   Tonight as I held his little hand in mine, his bare feet slapping against the pavement, I told him that wishes rarely come true.   I tried to teach him that if you really wanted something in life, your best bet of getting it was a run of luck and some hard work.

I'm not sure if I'm more proud of my honesty or saddened by the cynic I've become.    I suppose in some strange way, I want to try to help him understand the harshness of life so when the time comes that he gets trampled underneath it,the hurt might not sting as bad.

Suddenly, there's no chance of a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Right now, I wish I'd left his innocence alone for a while longer.

Maybe tomorrow we can take another walk around the block.

Maybe if I squeeze my eyes shut and...


  1. I wouldn't encourage discussions with him about Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny until your mood changes... :-p
    We all have to grow up, but maybe not quite yet for him. There is an appropriate age for fantasy and an age when fantasy can reasonably change to optimism.

  2. True, true!

    I should blog about how my oldest son found out about Santa Claus (at Easter, btw...)

    It's a pretty funny story.

    I'm home for lunch, maybe later tonight.

  3. Sounds like y'all need a trip to Disney World to discover wishing and magic and dreams. I use Disney to balance my extreme cynicism and disappointment in humanity.