Monday, June 7, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 12: Fire and Ice

Tonight I bought sourdough bread bowls and warmed up canned soup to serve in them.   It was the cheapo alternative to taking the family to Panera for dinner.   Mind you, Panera isn't all that expensive, but eating out with a family of 5 really adds up, especially in this economy.

All was fine and well until I was taking a bowl of soup out of the microwave and it sloshed over the side and burned my finger.   Even now, 3 hours later, my finger burns as if it just happened seconds ago and all the ice and cold water in the world doesn't seem to be helping.   I hate to be a baby, but this HURTS.  

Burns ache.  They scald and singe and have an intensity that just doesn't seem to ever go away.   I keep trying to imagine my finger, tomorrow, further along the road to healing, with this horrible pain gone. 

It strikes me that I burned A badly this past year.   Instead of being a mesmerizing,beautiful, intoxicating flame, I leapt out of bounds and struck him when he least expected it.  I can picture his recoil, the contortion of anguish on his face, the shock, the utter and complete pain.  

I recognize it because I allowed it to happen to him and then witnessed it again as it happened to me, later in the year, at the hand's of S.   Like A, I was also burned.   Terribly.    In my case, I completely forgot all I had learned about being on fire.   I couldn't think to stop, drop, and roll.   I ran for dear life, screaming and crying and fighting the tragedy that was my existence.

For both of us, the scars seared straight to our hearts.   Outward appearances, for the most part, belie the pain we've suffered, the mangled, charred flesh that now envelopes our beings.    We are the walking wounded and yet, most people would never even know.

Tonight I've been icing my finger and still it hurts.    It's funny, because when I think of my burned heart, I realize I've let ice start to build up around it as well.   Surrounding my fragile being is now a wall of frost, growing thicker and stronger each day.   I'm a stronger person these days, but also a bit colder as well.   Ironically, ice can burn too and that distinction isn't lost on me.

Fire and ice.   Ice and fire.    Both are amazing elements, but in the wrong hands or used for purposes other than their true intentions, they become painful weapons.  

I've lived it and live it still.


1 comment:

  1. *sigh*

    How true. OMG, how similar my situation's scarry to me.