Saturday, June 19, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 24; Broken Hearted

This blog started out with the premise of me figuring out what being 40 was like, but so far, it's been about how I plan to make it and adjust as a married woman, in love, with a broken heart.

Here is my fucking dilemma. At 40, I am experiencing my first heartbreak ever. Ever. It's uncanny, bizarre even, that I am just now experiencing a heartbreak, but it is true.

I also happen to be married and my heart isn't breaking over the loss of my husband, A. It's over losing who I thought, think, is the love of my life, S.

I never meant to fall in love with S. He was completely and totally off limits. Married, a friend of A's, seemingly unlike me in every way, nothing was ever supposed to happen.

But, you see, it did. When we reconnected after many years at our 20th high school reunion, there were immediate sparks. I had the feeling of not wanting to walk away when I was in his presence, of looking a bit too long into his eyes when we talked, perhaps of feeling his eyes on me from across the room. And it felt amazing.

What followed were friendly emails, sent to and from for months, before anything more took place. It was there we began to truly know one another, slowly, deliberately revealing one truth after another. It felt innocent enough, but every time I'd see his name pop into my inbox, my heart would flip. I loved those first months of our back and forth joking, teasing, taunting even.

Once we were finally in one another's presence again, the attraction was undeniable. I think I knew, the night we all went for drinks (me, A, and S) that I wanted to spend more time with S that night. A even says now that looking back on that night, he felt like S and I were the couple and he was the outsider, the third wheel.

I'm not proud of this, but it's true. My connection with S was always so strong, so dynamic, so unbelievably alive. And even though I knew I shouldn't, I let myself fall under his spell. Hell, I think I handed him the book of magic and told him which potions to add. I was willing and ready and it was mesmerizing.

And the spell we created was divine. Intoxicating, addictive, heady, strong, passionate, so full of love and life. Yes, I will acknowledge that it never got a test run in reality, so who's to say that it would have passed that criteria, but my belief is that it could and would have.

With S, I've never felt more alive, more happy, more me. For the first time in my life, I could say whatever I wanted and not worry about feeling stupid. I could argue a point, with fiery conviction in my voice and not fear being wrong, even when I was. And if I was, I would admit defeat and then laugh.

Oh, how we laughed. How ironic that thinking of our laughter now brings tears to my eyes, but the laughter was the best. With S, I was funny and he loved my sense of humor. The confidence I felt just seemed to grow exponentially with him and with his attentions directed at me, I felt so beautiful, so energized, so alive and thriving.

But, he took all of that away from me. Okay, I know there is something in it all where I have to take responsibility for my own feelings and reactions, but for now, I feel like he took it all away. He's the one who ended this beautiful thing we had going. Him. Not me.

And I'm left feeling ugly, stupid, defeated, dead on the inside.

I just don't get it.

Yes, it seems the nature of this blog is changing, perhaps just becoming more fine tuned and focused. I have to write and work through all of this for it to make sense to me.

Sad and heartbroken,

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