Friday, June 11, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 16; Stupid Smart Girl

My life is like a broken record, skipping, getting stuck on the same part of my song.   Each and every time it happens, I pick the needle up and start the song over, thinking this time will be different.  I tell myself that instead of the vinyl being marred, surely it must be lint, just a fleck of something that can be blown away.   Slowly, I inhale and blow.   I put the record back on the player and try again.  And I get to the same spot of the same bittersweet song and the same thing happens.

I'm smart.   I know I shouldn't have to say that, but sometimes I feel so incredibly stupid.   My head tells me one thing and it makes perfect sense, but just like playing the  scratched record, I keep making the same mistakes over and over and over again.

I've become one of those idiot girls in love.   I hated how my friends in high school became stupid for some asshole of a guy who treated them like crap.    And everyone could see it, except for my doe eyed friend who just kept going back for more.    That's been me.    I think it's the closest thing to drug addiction I could imagine.    And I can't decipher what part of it all is real or is some fantasy or fabricated existence. 

A never hurt me.    His only crime was working too hard, being too busy and not knowing how to reach out to me or see how lonely I had become.   We talk serious, we ponder our lives and their paths, but we aren't silly and we don't laugh easily or readily.   With A, I've always felt a tad inferior, never quite comfortable in my skin, always a bit afraid I was going to let him down.   Turns out that was just me, he never felt that way about me at all.  He  has always been my rock, the one I turn to in my times of trouble, my voice of reason, my safe harbor.

S hurt me profoundly.   To the core of my being.  His crime was telling me amazing things that I believed, things that made me feel loved and alive and like there was the possibility of a future together that would be incredible. And then he took it all  away.  He told me that while he meant everything he said, he never was really all that unhappy in his life.  We talk with the greatest of ease and laugh until we cry and with him I felt like an equal and completely comfortable in my skin.   I believed in us.   Maybe I still do.

So, you see?   I'm that stupid girl.   I'm a girl who built a life, a good life, with a wonderful man who loves me unconditionally and then pissed it all away on what I believed to be true love, a love that looked "good enough" squarely in the eyes and said..."fuck you".      I bore the brunt of public humiliation, verbal and emotional lashings from well meaning friends and family, loss of friendships, and in the end, the potential loss of my marriage. 

I'm too smart to be this dysfunctional.    Too smart to feel this lost.   I don't know why I can't just BE.   Or like Nike says...Just Do It.   Whatever the fuck "it" is. 

Yesterday, I stumbled across a new song that has been leaked early by Eminem that features Rihanna.   I love him and I don't give a shit what anyone else says about him.  He speaks to me, albeit graphically and in a life language that isn't in my realm of experience.   Or could it be? 

While NEVER a victim of domestic violence, this song touches me, I understand the language, I understand the pain and the extremes that humans go to for love.    It's haunting, especially the parts Rihanna sings.

Yours Truly,
The Stupid Smart Girl

1 comment:

  1. this is weird. Have I somehow telepathicly transfered all my feelings, experiences and thoughts to you and you've written them as elequently and as perfectly as you have just for me somehow? I am sitting at my desk at work getting ready to leave for the day sobbing like a little girl as what you wrote here. It can't be further from the frikin' truth in my life right now...holy cow was our friend, I'll call him "L" was in telling me to read your blog from the begining.

    ...and the song, "I love the way you lie" is a song that I've played over and over and over day after day for the past 3 months. OUCH!