Saturday, June 19, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 24; Rude Awakenings

My friend from Dallas came to visit me today so I wouldn't be all alone out in the country.

That she came is a huge surprise and I've had nothing but FUN with her, despite that fact that when we talk, it's to the heart, to the core, to the truth of the matter.

She, essentially, hates S. It's not that she is a huge A fan, it's more that she is a fan of me. She once referred to S as "diarrhea" because he was "less than shit" and I don't think her opinion of him has changed a bit.

It's very hard for me because I love her dearly, but I love him too. I want her to see all of the wonderful things he has to offer and yet, the more he shits on me and continues to break my heart, the harder it is to convince her that he is, in fact, wonderful.

And he IS wonderful, but how do I convince her of that? Especially after S continues to break my heart and let me down.

Today, in a moment of clarity and heartbreaking truth, she explained to me how S operates and what his intentions really were. It was disgustingly simple, as she used the side of the swimming pool, incorporating the rock ledge as one side (the side he showed to me) juxtaposed against the pebble walk of the other side (representing his life with is wife and family). The dividing line was the concrete seam between the two. To see her emphatically slap her hand from one side of the concrete line to the other, and talk about his thoughts and his meanings and his feelings, compeletely brought me to tears.

In her words, "I don't doubt that he loved you or that what he told you was true IN THE MOMENT, but his real truth was over here", her hand moving to the other side of the concrete divider.

Crying, tears falling from my eyes, I shook my head in denial. "No, NO!" I cried. "I know that he loves me and wants to be with me, he's just scared," I pleaded.

Except, how many times can I argue his case, defend him, especially as he leaves me out high and dry? I am the epitome of fool. The pinnacle of pitiful.

And yet, I love him still, steadfast and strong. In my mind, S is THE ONE, the one I still yearn for, the one that all the rest will have to live up to and do their best to match.

No, he doesn't want me. Nothing has changed. Each day I do my best to internalize that. Whether I finally "get it" or not, is yet to be seen.

I love S with all my heart and know that we were truly the best ever, but I can't convince him or anyone else of that, in the end. All I can do is be true to me, despite the confusion and pain.

In truth,

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