Monday, June 14, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 19; Ripping the Band Aid

Today, S ripped the band-aid and this time, I feel certain it's for good. Our affair started last spring and was "officially" over a year ago, well...a year ago today, to be exact.

For three months last year, we lived and loved and laughed in secret. And when I thought I knew the truest workings of my heart, I confessed and told A about the two of us.

Yes, I blindsided A. Yes, I blindsided S. I sincerely believed that S and I were meant to be together and was willing to do anything it took to make that truth happen.

In the 365 days since that admission, our lives have been the most intense roller coaster ride you could imagine. S and I try to go without talking and up until this point, we simply haven't been able to do it. One of us will cave, most likely me, and the other is pulled in like a moth to a flame, magnetic and more powerful than anything I've ever known before.

You see, I cannot accept that we are over. I can't believe that what we shared actually isn't meant to be. I refuse to believe that two people who, I thought, knew one another so intimately, can be apart. Our connection seemed larger than us.

If he hadn't told me the things he told me, maybe I'd be able to let go and move on.

Because I write, words are treasures to me. Each one is a beautiful gem in an adorned box that I can pull out in the solitude of my mind and heart and gently caress through my fingers. Words can't be lies, and I never wanted to believe they could hurt, wound, pierce a soul like they do. But they do. They kill.

S wrote this last June, the 27th to be exact.

"Know this:
I love you, miss you, want you too. You are wonderful, and smart, and funny, and loving, and beautiful, and different. Don't ever forget it, don't ever question it, and don't ever change. You go against the grain and sometimes people don't know how to react to that. Don't ever let them convince you that you have a problem and need fixin'. The they's of the world who get so bound up and hogtied by life, by their path, by societal expectations, would do themselves some good to be more like you. I think they're secretly jealous. They can all suck it!

I love you,

Who wouldn't want to believe those words? Who wouldn't store them away, holding onto their magic? This is just a small example of a myriad of love notes I have from him. I believed them and sadly, still want to and because of that I feel like such an incredible, fragile fool.

Today, this is the email I received.

"FYI Just so you know, I deleted the other account, it is no more. We are done. Spend no more time thinking about me, it's over. I hope you get your life together. I hope you learn to love A the way you should. I hope you can realize what you have before it's really too late. Good luck."

He ripped the band aid right off and yes, he's told me things like this before, but today feels different.

Can you see how I might feel crazy?

Today's email pisses me off! I don't even know where to begin with how it breaks my heart and boils my blood. He hopes I get my life together? As if HIS isn't completely and totally fucked up? He hopes I learn to love A the "way I should?" What the fuck does that mean and who is he to tell me how to love anyone? Those words just reek with self righteousness and an astounding level of hypocrisy.

He wants me to "fix" things and "make nice" so that all of our lives can just go on as before and we can sweep this shit right under the rug. Certainly that's what he has chosen to do in his life which is oh, so together. And in me doing the same, it alleviates some or most of his guilt. He can wipe his hands clean of me and feel justified that he's done right by himself and the rest of the world. How convenient.

Whether I stay with A, though, is none of S's concern and has NOTHING to do with him, no matter how much he'd like to think so. The problems A and I have were born before S was even an idea. To borrow a phrase I've heard a time or two, if S is thinking I'm going to have an epiphany about A, he's just flattering himself.

So, the band aid is ripped. The email account is deleted. We still know where and how to get in touch with one another, but I know he won't contact me and I'll do my damndest not to contact him.

Maybe our paths will cross again, maybe they won't. It's out of my control. I know my heart and I know I'm right. The rest falls on him.

Feeling the pain,

1 comment:

  1. I got home and now I continue to read. Besides your pain that you feel I want you to know that you are a brilliant writer and from what I've gathered, are an amazing woman. We all make choices, some bad, some good, some indifferent but that is what makes us who we are.