Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 28; Trying to Fly

I didn't end up going to Dallas last night. I stayed at my in laws house instead. I was tired, the red wine tasted good with dinner and let's be real, it left me closer to S.

My plan was to get up this morning and watch the U.S. soccer match on t.v. and then decide how the rest of my day would unfold.

Despite not going to bed very late (before midnight), I didn't wake up until 9:40 this morning. I was shocked! Holding my phone in my hand, I rubbed my eyes, did a double take and checked to make sure the time was correct. How in the world could I have slept SO late?

Before falling asleep, A and I talked on the phone and then texted back and forth. The texts were pretty damn heavy and yes, there were tears involved on my end, but the weight of the conversation was no heavier than a few other dozen I've had this past year.

Here are some excerpts from our text exchange:

K: Didn't love our conversation tonight. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry
A: Me too. But I'm not sad.
K: You're not? Why? I am. Are you already gone?
A: It doesn't make me sad anymore. It just is what it is.
K: Oh, that scares me. I'm a fool.
A: Not gone, just accepting. Not a fool.
K: Yes, I am. So, so stupid.
A: Not stupid. You gambled on love.
K: I'm going to lose best thing ever. Yes, and lost everything.
A: You took a chance.
K: B/c I can't get over an asshole who wasn't good for me in the first place.
A: I can get over the cheating
K: While you have been there
A: But I can't get over that.
K: What? That I can't get over him? That's why I say there is something wrong with me.
A: Yes.
K: I've risked losing it all over nothing. It's a flaw in my character, make up. Like OCD.
A: You don't want to get over him. Until you want it, you won't be happy and you won't be able to help anyone else be happy.
K: I just want to understand why I felt so sure but was really so wrong.
K: And how can I be sure that what we have will be what it takes to work, excluding S.
A: You can't.
K: But is there hope for it to be different?
A: You have to want it and be committed to it. You have to enjoy most of it.
K: So, it's all on me?
A: No
K: Not being snarky, just trying to understand.
A: I don't think we have much of a chance.
K: Why?
A: I don't think I want to be who you want me to be.
K: Who is that? Just curious?
A: I don't think I want someone who isn't sure about me. It's too much work, too much trouble.
K: Okay. I'm sorry.
A: It's ok.
K: I want love, I want attention, I want laughter. Doesn't feel ok to me.
A: I just think I'd rather be alone and take my chances with someone I might run into.
K: Okay, wow. What'd I do tonight?
A: I want to learn, to debate, to try to master new things. You didn't do anything.
K: I'm too stupid for you.
A: It is just amazing to me when I think about how hard I tried for you and that I fell so short.
K: You didn't fall so short.
A: I was working hard for us, for you. But I wasn't doing what you needed or wanted.
K: 22 years, 3 kids, our entire life, that's not so short.
A: No. It was worthwhile.
K: I should have told you what I needed.
A: Yes.
K: I didn't know until it was too late. Thought it was all there.
A: I don't think you knew.
K: Still doesn't make sense that it's not.
A: We don't always understand our own needs.
K: I didn't mean for you to seemingly work so hard for nothing.

And it went on a bit longer, with some joking and some trying to just move on and get past the ugly truths we were saying.

Having A talk to me honestly like that is a new thing. He followed up with these comments:

A: You need to brighten up. It's time to find your happiness. Your real joy.
K: Stop it. That makes me sob. I'm so broken.
A: I am right. You are miserable. I know that some slob dumped you, but there is more to life. It's time to begin your new life. Open your eyes.
K: Yes. So, can we do it together or do we need to part?
A: Open your heart to yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. You live, you learn. If you don't figure out what you want, at least you can figure out what you don't want.
K: True. Okay, I'll sleep on this. Please don't go anywhere in the meantime.
A: I don't want it to be fake, but after what we've been through, I need you to want me. Want me bad. If you want me, we can do it as lovers. If you don't want me bad, that's okay too. Let's just do it as friends.
K: Okay, good night.
A: Don't make me wait forever, it makes me look like a fool. Good night.

So, reading through this. It is heavier than I remembered and yes, I can see why I might sleep 9 hours straight.

What's a girl to do?

I got up this morning and before heading home, I drove past S's work. His truck was parked outside and the red of his vehicle just burns me, burns my heart. I went into the convenience store close by and imagined him in there buying his beer or some crap snack that he so loves to eat.

I even drove past his house, telling myself things like..."This was supposed to be MY drive to OUR house." Delusional much?

And then, to top it all off, as I cruise past his house, peering over my shoulder to get a better look, his wife is standing in the drive way smoking!

She already has the man I want, did she really have to ruin my drive by, "I'm not really stalking" stalking?

With my heart in my throat, beating a mile a minute, I quickly decided to scoot on down the interstate and head home.

I maintained my composure for about 45 minutes and then burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. Screaming seems to help too and at the top of my lungs I yelled "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! Why did you do this to me? Why did you come into my life? Why did you give me what felt so fucking right, only to snatch it away from me? I HATE YOU!".

Today, in my cute, little car, I think I cried as hard as I did when my mom died. The sobs were just like waves, crashing over and over and over again. The tears stung my face, almost as if poison was being dripped on my skin. I felt such loss, such rage, such sadness.

Yeah, actually, it's no wonder I slept in today. I'm exhausted. I'm drained. I'm beaten.

The bird I've been envisioning myself to be this past year feels like her wings have been clipped. I'm grounded, trying to lift off and take flight, but falling, sadly and defeated, back to the ground.

What a day...and it's only 4:30. Trying to fly is hard work.


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