Finding Forty, Day 15; When It Don't Come Easy

The past 24 hours have been hard.   I don't really feel like going into it, but suffice to say, I'm numb.

In the grand scheme of things, the ones I love are fine.   We are healthy.    We have a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs.   Those are the blessings I will focus on tonight.

This evening, as I sat in my car crying, I started wondering about tears.    It's amazing to me the ability I have to generate them and the sheer volume I can produce.   And how is it that they are directly tied to emotions?

I then started pondering the words tear and tear.    It's no wonder that as your heart feels like it's being torn from your chest, tears fall from your eyes.

In the past year, I've gotten myself and my heart in a real bind.   While married to an amazing man, I fell in love with another.     I sit here tonight having potentially lost both of them.   It's probably what I deserve, but never what I intended.   Naively, I thought my love had run it's course with A and that S was absolutely the man for me.

S then broke my heart into a million pieces and in my inability to move on, I pushed A away.

I really do love them both and yes, I realize how utterly and totally selfish that is.  I can't have them both, I can't have it both ways.    Quite possibly, I can't have either of them. 

In trying to figure out myself and my life, I've managed to appear untrustworthy, fickle and hurtful.   I never meant to be that way, never wanted it.

I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused.   I'm sorry for my confusion and my inability to understand what I need and want.

Patty Griffin is one of my favorite artists and I can't get one of her songs out of my head tonight...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bHc18n6tBU

I love the lyrics.    I'm such a lyrics girl and these just make me weep.   

Red lights are flashing on the highway
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight
Everywhere the waters getting rough
Your best intentions may not be enough
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight

But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy

I don't know nothing except change will come
Year after year what we do is undone
Time keeps moving from a crawl to a run
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home

You're out there walking down a highway
And all of the signs got blown away
Sometimes you wonder if you're walking in the wrong direction

But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy

So many things that I had before
That don't matter to me now
Tonight I cry for the love that I've lost
And the love I've never found
When the last bird falls
And the last siren sounds
Someone will say what's been said before
It's only love we were looking for

But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy

I've tried so hard this year to get it right.   With A, with S, with myself.   And here I sit tonight, alone, with tears streaming down my face. 

When it don't come easy.

It's not easy,

K