A and I have had a few days of alone time, with the kids being at their grandparent's house.
I wish I could say that we really bonded or that we really decided to split and make firm plans, but in typical fashion, it's been somewhere in between.
One day, we are sure we are staying together and then the next, we are truly considering and talking divorce.
Ironically, despite blogging about roller coasters and how much I like them, I'm starting to feel a bit queasy.
For me, I see no solution that has a winning outcome. To stay means that I feel trapped in some ways, whereby I give up a few of my most basic needs in a sacrificial move because it's unfair or unreasonable to ask A to change for me. I also have to work hard to make changes in his benefit too.
It's not that I feel he is undeserving of those changes, it's just that I don't know if I have the energy or if the pay off will be worthwhile.
But, in splitting up, we break up our family. We put our kids through the ringer and I potentially lose the friend I've had for 20+ years.
I just get so confused. How much of what makes me feel the need to stay is habit? How much of our relationship can we not only salvage, but also go on to make great?
But how much of me wanting to leave is just pipe dreams or some sort of ridiculous fantasy that will bear no fruit whatsoever?
We don't share any dreams anymore, other than raising healthy, happy children. Our finances are so horrible now, we can't begin to imagine any other sort of reality. We are dejected.
And yet, leaving just throws us out into the unknown, with already strapped finances being pushed further.
There is a wall between us that we have built up. It's with us throughout our days and nights. We try to break it down, but it's like we are chipping at it with plastic ware. I need a pick ax and all I've got is a disposable fork with broken tines.
He needs me to be upbeat. He needs me to be in the moment. He would like me to help out more around the house and appreciate him more. He needs me to want him badly.
I don't know how to do all of those things at once. I don't know if I even have the energy to do them.
I don't know what to do.
In 2010, I turned 40 and spent a great part of that year figuring out some serious stuff in my life. Newly 42, I'm still on the path of discovery but feel I've come quite far. This tiny space is my save haven, one of the only places I can come to work through my worries, fears, exaltations, and endeavors. Thank you to those who've helped me along the way and those of you who stop by to read my crazy thoughts. Enjoy!
That's my biggest hang-up...how much of what we do every day just habit? My therapist asks me week after week what I want from my husband and I can't answer her. I tell her that he needs to change as well before I can even consider trying to work things out with him.
ReplyDeleteSee, I know what I did was wrong but at the same time, he neglected me for nearly 10 years. What is worse? What I did...why? Because what I did is adultry...what he did was work hard and forget he had a beautiful wife that took care of him and his kids and took me for granted and let his family walk all over me.
When are we even? When does everything just pan out? When does it all end? When do we get to just STOP and smell the roses?