A and I had an argument today, which is a fairly new thing for us. Our typical tactic is to just push it away, stuff it down, pretend like nothing happened, but once there is a breach of trust as big as an affair, once you've crossed that line, it's too hard to pretend everything's alright.
This morning started out innocent enough. I was getting ready for work as he sat at the computer cleaning out his inbox. I leaned over and saw an email from me, dated April 13, that he'd never opened.
Not necessarily a deal breaker, actually nowhere close. Except...this isn't the first time this has happened AND this is essentially the problem we have in our marriage.
For twenty two years, I've felt unheard or unimportant to him. I know that he loves me, he always has, but his actions sometimes belie that. And he's the very one who wants to point out how much more actions mean than words, especially in regards to how S treats me. Ironic, no?
I LOVE to talk, love to write, love to text, love to listen. The shared connection that is created when I do those things, particularly with someone I love, is what propels me through life.
I'm married to someone who doesn't do that, doesn't enjoy it and might not even want to try.
I don't realistically see how this can work. I need more.
In 2010, I turned 40 and spent a great part of that year figuring out some serious stuff in my life. Newly 42, I'm still on the path of discovery but feel I've come quite far. This tiny space is my save haven, one of the only places I can come to work through my worries, fears, exaltations, and endeavors. Thank you to those who've helped me along the way and those of you who stop by to read my crazy thoughts. Enjoy!
Hey Kate. My name is Kate too. Like I said on the blogger thread: you have a strong voice and I like your posts. Keep up the good work; I look forward to reading more from you. :-)
ReplyDeleteI like the changes you made here--from black to blue! There's a metaphor in there...
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