I apologize for that and I know it makes this blog hard to read, but my purpose in creating this space was to have a way to practice my writing and to be completely honest about what was going on in my life and heart.
Today I'm melancholy. I went away for one night this weekend and spent an amazing 24 hours with some girlfriends. We laughed, lounged by the pool, and bared our souls about our lives and marriages and confusion and dreams. It was crystal clear to me, while I was away, that A and I just need to separate.
Early Sunday morning, I emailed S and basically told him that my marriage was not working out, but that he needn't burden or flatter himself over that realization. I pretty much laid out the facts that I love him still, but very much plan to move on and search for what I really need in a relationship whether he's there or not. I immediately regretted sending the email, mostly because it was pointless and it went against the plan A and I made to really try for 30 days (after trying, actually, since June of last year).
I also knew in sending it, I ran the risk of S not responding (he hasn't) and that meaning that our relationship truly had ended. I cannot fathom such a fate. S, in my heart, is still the one I go to. Still the one who knows me best. I don't know how I'll ever replace him and quite possibly, I never will.
But then, something really strange happened. I got home on Sunday afternoon and in the hours since my return, A has sort of indicated that he's done trying, done working on us and feels like we need to just move on, move apart.
Essentially, we were feeling the same things at the same time, although we were miles apart in different cities.
I checked his phone (please, no lectures) and discovered he'd been reading personal ads online, mostly of the "women seeking men" sort. I immediately went to him and asked him about it and he confessed that he does so when he feels hopeless and depressed about us.
Needless to say, I couldn't get upset with him, because in the core of my being, I understand. He told me that the dream has died for us and he is just ready to try to find it with someone else.
And yet, it bothers me and I can't figure out why. Am I jealous? Am I still in love with him and by that I mean enough in love with him to not be willing to let this go? Am I worried he will find someone better than me? I know full well he deserves it. I also know full well that we are not happy and haven't been for some time now, even well before S came into my life.
Hypocritical, I know. I am the epitome of the word.
Last night I had the most bizarre dreams and in one, A had emailed a woman from an ad. This morning, as we talked in bed, I told him my dream. His silence answered my suspicions. This weekend he emailed a much younger woman who'd placed an ad on a personals page. I appreciate his honesty but am left with the weirdest feeling about it all.
We just need to cut our losses and move on, so that each of us might find happiness. I'd also hate for us to start resenting the other person. If we could end it now on decent terms, that would be best for everyone.
Best for everyone. What an oxymoron. There is no such existence, no such thing.
So, I sit here, not wanting to type this, but not having any other truth that jumps out, from the depths of my heart and my tortured, confused soul. Today, this is my truth.
No tears, just this numb, lifeless vibe accompanied by a gnawing pit in my stomach.
I feel I've lost the ones who matter most to me, save my precious, sweet children. They remain steadfast and that is a blessing.
I see my new therapist on Thursday, having gone ahead and switched with a few weeks to spare before my original one moves to Kenya, and I am praying she has wonderful insight for me.
Until then, I move forward, always, with as much strength as I can muster.
Melancholy 1801
Constance Marie Charpentier
Oh dear, I'm trying hard not to tell you exactly what I think you should do. Isn't it funny that it's so much easier to see what other people should do but hard as hell to figure out your own life?
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth: I think emailing S was a pitiful attempt to reconnect. On the other hand, it turned out okay because he didn't respond and now you know exactly where you stand. Time to really face the reality that it's over...it's really over. No more fantasy.
I hope you and A can both find the peace and respect you both deserve. A year from now it will be interesting for you to re-read your story and see how far you have travelled.
Jann
It will be interesting to see how things are in a year, absolutely.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your insight,
K
You need more AA meetings before you make decisions like this.
ReplyDeleteI almost feel out of place commenting on this post so late, but I can't not do so.
ReplyDeleteOf all your posts I have read so far, including some of the recent ones, this is the most poignant and revealing. It is brutal self-honesty at its best.