Monday, July 26, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 60; The Good Life

Wow, a mini break from writing, from feeling the urge to put my thoughts out there.   Interesting.   Despite the break, I don't feel refreshed or invigorated.  I still feel like I'm coasting.   We went away for the weekend, to visit my sister, her husband, and their kids.  They were hosting a reunion of relatives from my mom's side of our family, so I was busy reconnecting (somewhat) with people I haven't seen in years.   Saturday was a good day.

To review though, my therapy appointment on Thursday was okay.  Yeah, just okay.   When I describe something with that word, it means it was just "meh" to me.  By the way, is meh an actual word?  I'm thinking no, but it either way, it fits.

It occurred to me that it's not MY job to worry about whether or not the therapist likes ME.  I'm paying her, she should be doing her level best to win me over.   The session went well enough at the time, but within 15 minutes of leaving, I had to pull over and sit in a parking lot and sob.   Maybe that's a good thing?    Maybe it means she stirred up shit that was piling in the recesses of my warped and wacky mind?   I don't really know.

Ultimately, in the end I  just feel like we aren't a good fit.  I already feel like I edited my answers, tailoring my responses to things I thought I was supposed to say.   I don't plan to over think this and I am not being one of those people who move from therapist to therapist in perpetual search of the one who tells me exactly what I want to hear.

I think it's important to remember that I thoroughly enjoyed my original therapist, but she's moving and therefore, I had to move on.

So, anyway, therapy was just okay.   I scheduled an appointment for this coming week, but will cancel it.   In the back of my mind is also the cost of seeing her and all the things I would rather do and need to do with that money, i.e. school shoes for my three kids.

The weekend with my sister and her family was nice.  We enjoy being at their house in the country.   She and her husband had a gorgeous pool put in their backyard a few years ago and this summer completed the construction of an outdoor kitchen, including a fully functional pizza oven.   My brother in law treated us to gourmet, homemade pizzas fresh from the oven on Saturday.   They still have a few finishing touches to add to the kitchen and one of them is the hanging of a custom made neon sign they had commissioned.   It will read "The Good Life" and when I visit them, I truly believe they have it.  You can just feel it in the air.

I don't want to be jealous of them and I wouldn't necessarily want her life, but I would love to feel confident enough to commit such words to paper, or neon as the case may be, and hang it proudly for all to see.

I love my sister, but she doesn't get me.  She can't understand why I might not be happy and she doesn't want to hear anything about how I am feeling or what I might be thinking.   For months she told me she just wanted to put her head in the sand and pretend like nothing bad was happening with me and my marriage.   Now, at least, she will give me her standard "I just want you to be happy" speech, but she always manages to end it with, "but I still don't get it."

What am I supposed to tell her?   How can someone who has "The Good Life" even begin to understand, when I can barely manage to articulate my restlessness, my discontent, my anger at myself for not just being happy?

I know I have the good life too.  We are healthy, we are safe, and we do share love, in whatever form it happens to manifest itself into on any given day.   Those are blessings.

It's good to be back.

Just wish I had one more piece of that fire oven pizza to get me started on my week back here at home!


  1. mmmmm pizza! What a luxery.

    It sounds like you are treading water. Eventually you'll get tired and want to move...forward, backward, just move. You can't tread water forever. Although I've known people who kept it up for a long time, it just delays the inevitable. At some point you have to move. Damn, the hard part if figuring out which way to go, so you keep treading water...

  2. Hey got me thinking. I'm just finishing up a post about treading water. I'll polish it up after dinner and get it posted. I'd be interested in what you think.

  3. I'll be sure to check it out!