It's day 46 of being 40 and guess what?
I am an asshole. A colossal, huge, gaping asshole. Today, we watched the World Cup game and the wine flowed and I said hurtful things to one of my closest friends. Except, I can't recall a SINGLE word I said.
Apparently, the wine flowed so well, I have NO recollection of anything I said or did. I feel ashamed. I feel horrible. I feel completely unlike the me I want and need to be.
Consequently, tomorrow night, I plan to go to an AA meeting. Yes, AA. As in Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't want to be an alcoholic. I love a good buzz just like the next gal. I love to feel that heady, tipsy feeling and be at peace with the witty things that roll off my liquored, smooth tongue.
Except...that's not me. For some reason, I can't stop at the few, fun drinks stage. I pour another. And then another, in the insane effort to keep that buzz buzzing, that 'on the edge' feeling right on the edge.
Unfortunately for me, I always misjudge. I drink so much I say and do ridiculous things. I wake up the next morning frantically checking my Facebook page or this blog to see if I've said anything I might actually live to regret.
It's HORRIBLE. While I am outspoken and free-spirited, I am NOT an asshole. And yet, drinking turns me into one.
And so, tomorrow at 8:00 p.m., I will waltz, or at best, timidly walk into an AA meeting.
Again, I am befuddled. But, I have to. My life is shit. SHIT. This cannot go on any longer.
I hate myself. HATE.
Hopefully, tomorrow brings great things.
Wish me luck!
K
In 2010, I turned 40 and spent a great part of that year figuring out some serious stuff in my life. Newly 42, I'm still on the path of discovery but feel I've come quite far. This tiny space is my save haven, one of the only places I can come to work through my worries, fears, exaltations, and endeavors. Thank you to those who've helped me along the way and those of you who stop by to read my crazy thoughts. Enjoy!
Hi Kate.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. Exactly. I used to feel like that every morning. I couldn't remember anything. I felt people were looking at me with disgust. My drinking eventually took me through years of homelessness and eating out of bins. The thing is: you don't have to go that far. There was a time when I absolutely could not picture life without alcohol (perhaps you feel a bit like that now). But I too went to AA (believe me- it is the ONLY answer for a drunk like me) - not because I wanted to, but because I felt I had no other choice - and I listened. The people there were obviously like me - it takes one to know one - except they seemed to be sober, and HAPPY. All I had to do was make a decision to do what they did. I took my last drink 22 months ago, and I can honestly say I have not desired to have one in all that time. Be open minded and willing, and I promise, you might find walking into that meeting is the best thing that could ever have happened to you. Let me know how you get on, if you want. God bless.
Hi Kate. I left a comment earlier, but it seems to have disappeared. I am technocrap, I think. I know how you feel. I have felt like this so many times. There was a time when I could not picture life without alcohol. And yet it had completely fucked my life up. I did what you are about to do. I went to AA. Guess what. I still go to AA. I am nearly two years sober and happier than I have ever been. I promise you: if you ARE an alcoholic, you will find the answer to your problem in AA. There is a promise in the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" which is apropos, and it is this: "the most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead." It has certainly been so with me.
ReplyDeleteYou are taking the first steps into becoming a better person, that's always a plus. :-) My ex husband was a drinker, a horrible drinker that blew up at me so much I finally got up the courage to leave. Drinking is ok as long as you know when to stop. I hope AA helps you. And I hope your friend forgives you. It takes a strong person to do what you are about to do. You'll feel better in no time. :-)
ReplyDeleteIt's a step in the right direction when you decided to go to AA. Like Amber said above me, drinking is ok as long as you know when to stop and I have all the faith in you to succeed through this journey. Keep us posted. :)
ReplyDelete