Sunday, July 11, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 46; Surprise!

It's day 46 of being 40 and  guess what?

I am an asshole.   A colossal, huge, gaping asshole.   Today, we watched the World Cup game and the wine flowed and I said hurtful things to one of my closest friends.    Except, I can't recall a SINGLE word I said.

Apparently, the wine flowed so well, I have NO recollection of anything I said or did.  I feel ashamed.  I feel horrible.  I feel completely unlike the me I want and need to be.

Consequently, tomorrow night, I plan to go to an AA meeting.  Yes, AA.   As in Alcoholics Anonymous.   I don't want to be an alcoholic.  I love a good buzz just like the next gal.   I love to feel that heady, tipsy feeling and be at peace with the witty things that roll off my liquored, smooth tongue.

Except...that's not me.  For some reason, I can't stop at the few, fun drinks stage.  I pour another.   And then another, in the insane effort to keep that buzz buzzing, that 'on the edge' feeling right on the edge.

Unfortunately for me, I always misjudge.  I drink so much I say and do ridiculous things.  I wake up the next morning frantically checking my Facebook page or this blog to see if I've said anything  I might actually live to regret.

It's HORRIBLE.   While I am outspoken and free-spirited, I am NOT an asshole.   And yet, drinking turns me into one.

And so, tomorrow at 8:00 p.m., I will waltz, or at best, timidly walk into an AA meeting.  

Again, I am befuddled.  But, I have to.  My life is shit.  SHIT.    This cannot go on any longer.

I hate myself.  HATE.  

Hopefully, tomorrow brings great things.

Wish me luck!
K

4 comments:

  1. Hi Kate.
    I know how you feel. Exactly. I used to feel like that every morning. I couldn't remember anything. I felt people were looking at me with disgust. My drinking eventually took me through years of homelessness and eating out of bins. The thing is: you don't have to go that far. There was a time when I absolutely could not picture life without alcohol (perhaps you feel a bit like that now). But I too went to AA (believe me- it is the ONLY answer for a drunk like me) - not because I wanted to, but because I felt I had no other choice - and I listened. The people there were obviously like me - it takes one to know one - except they seemed to be sober, and HAPPY. All I had to do was make a decision to do what they did. I took my last drink 22 months ago, and I can honestly say I have not desired to have one in all that time. Be open minded and willing, and I promise, you might find walking into that meeting is the best thing that could ever have happened to you. Let me know how you get on, if you want. God bless.

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  2. Hi Kate. I left a comment earlier, but it seems to have disappeared. I am technocrap, I think. I know how you feel. I have felt like this so many times. There was a time when I could not picture life without alcohol. And yet it had completely fucked my life up. I did what you are about to do. I went to AA. Guess what. I still go to AA. I am nearly two years sober and happier than I have ever been. I promise you: if you ARE an alcoholic, you will find the answer to your problem in AA. There is a promise in the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" which is apropos, and it is this: "the most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead." It has certainly been so with me.

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  3. You are taking the first steps into becoming a better person, that's always a plus. :-) My ex husband was a drinker, a horrible drinker that blew up at me so much I finally got up the courage to leave. Drinking is ok as long as you know when to stop. I hope AA helps you. And I hope your friend forgives you. It takes a strong person to do what you are about to do. You'll feel better in no time. :-)

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  4. It's a step in the right direction when you decided to go to AA. Like Amber said above me, drinking is ok as long as you know when to stop and I have all the faith in you to succeed through this journey. Keep us posted. :)

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