Saturday, July 10, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 45; Phony

I could have folded clothes or unloaded the dishwasher or shit, even closed the door to the bedroom and played with myself a bit, but instead I just sat here letting my emotions get the best of me.

This afternoon, I felt like taking a short nap and as I was falling asleep, A said he was going to get a soda.  The convenience store is just right around the corner, it shouldn't take more than 10 minutes to go there and back.

When I woke up, he wasn't home.  

I hate that feeling when I wake up and can't find who I'm hoping to see.  I meander through the house, looking for him and he's not anywhere.  I peek into the backyard and he's not there.  Finally, I open the garage door and see his car is gone.   Something about it makes my heart dip a little.

So, I did what any wife who's trying, really trying, to work on her marriage does.   I called him.   No answer, no biggie.  I left a message knowing he'd call right back.  He was only going to the convenience store.   As a back up measure, I texted.   Maybe he couldn't talk but he could read the text.  Surely, right?

Thirty minutes passed and I heard nothing back.   No call, no text.   I tried repeatedly to call him, not really sure why.

But in those thirty minutes, I think I called him 15 times. 

Sometimes, when I wake up from a nap, I just feel so cozily peaceful.  I even like the way my face looks, slightly puffy and sleepy eyed in the mirror as it smiles back at me.

My blissed out feeling was slipping away with each minute that ticked by without him calling.

But why did I feel mad?  Logically, I knew he was just having a bit of 'me' time, most likely looking at electronics or test driving a car he'd been wanting to drive.   Why would I care one way or the other?

I can't say.

I've always had this stupid, twisted fear that I was missing out on something.   My mom always liked to remind me of the time that my little sister made me cry because I thought she had more fun than me on one particular, random day.    Never mind the fact that I'd been out at school with all my friends or that she'd been stuck at home with the sitter and her imaginary friend.

Even at 5,  I didn't want to miss out on anything, couldn't stand for someone else to be doing something that I might construe as fun or adventurous.

Turns out, once he finally answered his phone, he was at the Apple Store.   What irony, huh?   He couldn't hear his phone ringing or the texts coming in while in a fucking phone store.   Nice.

Now, I have to suck up my immature emotions and put on my happy face and figure out what we should do tonight as a couple.

I hate being a baby.  

There's a bad pun in here about being phony too, but I'll just let it go at that.

I want to try to go and recapture some of my post nap glow.


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