Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 62; Love Letters

I can't write today.  I don't have focus.  While not distraught or despondent, I am all over the place with my thoughts.

Today A and I talked.  He didn't leave for work until almost 11.  We didn't cry, didn't argue, more and more our discussions become unencumbered of tremendous emotional swings.

Yesterday, I found a folder in my email called "Love Letters".   It was where I kept any email from A over the years that I thought was sweet.   There were about 10 in there and in reading over them, they did show his love for me.   I make little comments in my replies back that show cracks in my armor, hinting ever so slightly at the brewing of my discontent.

Either way, they made me cry.

One of the emails I found was from last summer.  He wrote and asked me to write a description of why we broke up, as if I was telling a friend or a therapist.   I never wrote it.    Until last night, that is.   

I didn't do our relationship the justice it deserves, but this is what I sent him last night, finally.

You're snoring next to me.   I've heard you breathe in and out for over twenty years.   It's comforting to me, but is it everything?    I don't know anymore.

Why did we break up?   Why did I stray?

I'll do my best.   Please promise you won't get mad.   Please.

You are everything you always were to and for me.   Organized, calculated, hard working, determined.  Really solid.

Those are admirable qualities, but I think I need more.

You don't open up very much.  When you get home from work, you are silent.  When you do talk, it's about stories you've heard online or on the radio.   A regurgitation of facts bores me.   I can read those in any book, on any website.   What I can't find anywhere else is how YOUR mind ticks.

I'm not interested in the quest for knowledge like you are.  I don't want to be stupid, but I'd rather know ME better first.   That is the knowledge that will see me through.

You are an amazing father and a rock solid support for me.   I can't turn my back on those things easily at all.   Those are very hard to come by, I know.

And yet, I go through my days resentful and angry.   Of what?  I have no clue.

I fell in love with someone else.  We were able to talk on the phone for hours on end, never running out of things to say.   Maybe it was because it was new.   But, maybe not.

We sparred, teased, laughed.   A LOT. I could call him on all his bullshit and he'd admit defeat.   Then we'd laugh some more.

You are sexy and attractive, but sometimes I feel like I've lost my spark for you.   I hate that though, I really do.

On paper, you are more than amazing.

I think, I would tell my friend or therapist that I've matured since I was 18 and newly interacting with a boyfriend.

I've learned what I need in a relationship to make it work for me...insane amounts of talking and lots of laughter.

I would say we broke up because we grew up and apart.  Our relationship ran its course and the aftermath was too much to deal with.

Our friendship is our foundation, a gift we share.

I could be totally wrong though.  That is what paralyzes me.   What if this tender understanding and support you show me turns out to be the most pure love I ever know?   I'd hate myself forever for giving it up.

I'm stuck.   I want to be free, but I fear I'm making the greatest mistake of my life in an impetuous, selfish move.

So, I stay, hoping eventually, it'll all work out.

Please don't  be mad.  I'm confused.

I do love you,

This afternoon, he replied.

Not mad. I think I agree.

I know that you will never find a love like mine. My love, like me, is unique. One day, I think you will know, even more than now, that a love like mine is not easily replaced.

But, I think you are ready to find your own kind of love. A new love, a different love. I don't think that there is anything I can do or be that will change that. I think you should rethink your answer to the therapist's question, "If he could magically do what you want, how would you feel?". I believe that my biggest disadvantage is that I am me.

I hope that I find someone who likes my stories. I like them. I like to learn new things and talk about it. My life is so dull, ordinary, these other lives seem so interesting. Surely I will spark someone again, right? It's been a looooong time.

I want to be released, to be set free. I want to be free of the guilt that I let you and our family down. I want some comfort and some peace.

I want to learn and experience. I want to experiment.

What's it like out there?
Fair question, I think.



  1. Please go to more AA meetings. Beginners meetings.
    You don't need to do anything except get your head straight. The rooms (as they/we say) are full of honest people who've had wacked out thinking processes.
    Maybe you aren't a drunk, but you're brain's going in circles and you're at the end of the pier about to take a step off and I'm not sure you know how to swim.

  2. If you care to visit Aging Gratefully, check the posts tagged as "spiritual growth."

  3. Beautiful, honest, and heartbreaking. Wow.