Monday, July 5, 2010

Finding Forty; Day 40!; Reality, T.V.

Life is unfucking believable! What a day it's been.

Yesterday, I was in the depths of despair and today, I swear to God, I felt better.

A and I eased into our day with some smooth coffee and a bit of light reading; he read his online auto news, I finished a Newbery award winning children's novel.

Eventually, talked turned to us. We can dive into a "state of our union" address faster than any forefather you could imagine. Talking deep has become our forte.

Recently, in an email to me, A described how his mind works these days. I should actually copy it here, because paraphrasing it would so do him an injustice.

This is what he says:

The reality for me is that I struggle every day with myself...

The petulant little child wants you, but wants you to come back begging for forgiveness.
The jealous teenager wants to run out and fuck the next skinny blonde to show you how it feels.
The collegiate romantic wants you to have your lover.

The middle-aged father wants to know if anyone else wants him.
The tired old man wants to walk away.

None of this is what I want. My actions should be clear. You've given me every reason to leave. You've given me a free pass. I do not want that. Somewhere in all of this turmoil there is something good. Something worth fighting for. I will not abandon it... until I am beaten.

In all honesty, the poor guy is black and blue. Any other man would have probably walked by now and the fact that he's stayed is both amazing to me and utterly unbelievable.

I think I finally see my place in his life.

But, I long to WANT him like I want S. And trust me, I miss S like crazy.

Anyway, today, I committed to spending four weeks with A, totally trying to make things work. In the year since I confessed that I loved another man, I've held out a part of me, in hopes that S would finally come around and invite me into his life full time.

Finally, FINALLY, I see that that isn't an option, and so I am willing to really try with A, with a concious and concerted effort. I plan to reach out to him and stroke his face when he's nearby. When he grabs me for a hug, I won't avert my face and avoid his kisses. I promise to really, honestly try to reestablish a connection with him.

So, fast forward to tonight, after all of our talks about honestly giving this marriage a REAL try, for at least four weeks.

I like to fuck. It's just a fact. I love it and one of my fears of becoming single is having to give up my sure fuck. I just don't want to. And as exciting as it is to fuck someone hot and new, I find that thought equally as repulsive.

A has been my guy for two decades and tonight I wanted him. We had a ton of kids in the living room watching Myth Busters, so he turned on the t.v. to drown out my noises. I'm a dirty girl and I like to be loud. Unfortunately for me, the channel he chose was airing the Bachorelette or Bachelor's interview with the person they chose whose relationship has gone south.

As I'm gearing up to take it from behind, I hear this annoying voice on the t.v. saying things like, "I never cheated on him. He just never paid attention to me and could care less about anything I did."

Okay, so I'm paraphrasing, but those aren't the words I want as the background in my love nest! Talk about fucking things up.

Immediately I ordered, "Shut that bitch up! I just wanna get laid!".

Luckily, the conversation changed directions and I was able to enjoy my evening.

The point of my night? I have no clue.

I was happy today. Making the pact with A to really, honestly try to work on things for a month is a safe and honest agreement for me. I can really do that and not feel like I am trapped and binded forever. Knowing that in four weeks, I have the choice to stay in or opt out, makes me able to breathe and sleep at night.

All in all, a damn good day.

Yeah, my life is crazy, but in this madness, I somehow found a spot of brighntess or clarity.

I can actually breathe...even while being fucked from behind with the incessant chatter of reality t.v.!

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