Finding Forty, Day 44: Warts

This morning, I awoke, red eyed and unsure about what to make of last night.   The discussion, fight, exchange (I'm unsure about how to classify it) with A continued after I last posted.

We talked a bit more then fell asleep.  I forgot that I had to take two-thirds of my brood to the dermatologist this morning to have their warts looked at and treated and was consequently exhausted and harried as we rushed to make it on time.

I dreaded the appointment.  Having had a wart frozen off as a teenager and almost passing out from the experience, I didn't relish the idea of taking the boys in today.   I was mildly embarrassed by the sheer volume of warts they possessed and afraid for the pain they were sure to endure.

But, as their little butts crinkled the paper on the examining table, they readily held out their hands and feet and knees to expose their blemishes.

Even knowing treatment was coming and  pain was imminent, they faced their fears.

I realize it's just liquid nitrogen and a strange, albeit friendly, man in a white lab coat, but they did it.

When it was all said and done, the doctor poured the liquid nitrogen all over the floor and we watched in amazement as it danced across the surface, evaporating before our eyes.   Pure magic, it seemed.

If they can face their fears, big or small, I know I can too.  I have warts, they just don't manifest as fleshy mounds on my fingers or kneecaps, but they're there, all the same.

When asked what I like about myself, the best answer I can come up with is my 'summer tan'.   

I'm reactive and moody and emotional.  I second guess myself so much, there's no other option than to second guess those around me as well.    Doubt is doom.

The thought of looking at myself in the mirror and actually liking, no, loving what I see is terrifying.

Why is that so hard?   What bad could come out of just accepting myself and loving myself unconditionally, warts and all?   I'm beginning to think nothing.   Certainly nothing worse than the shit I keep putting myself and others through at my expense.

I want to face my fears like the boys did today, scour those warts from my being, and hopefully, I'll get to witness magic dancing before my eyes too.